1. THE BOOKSTORE. Shop in your regular sections, but pay attention to others who are also shopping there. It's easy to start up a conversation about the books and authors you like to read. And you'll know that you already have something in common with the other person.

2. CHILDREN'S SPORTING EVENTS. For those of you who are single, but have small children, this is ideal. Other single parents will also be attending these events, and you won't have to worry about the other person being "scared off" by the fact that you have a child, because that person has a child, too.

3. ONLINE CHAT ROOMS. This works well for people who are too shy to approach others. Just be careful not to reveal too much information about yourself too quickly. Go slowly and use the same precautions you would when meeting someone in person.

4. THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE. Not the big chains--too many married people. The odds will be against you. Try the corner Mom & Pop type stores in your neighborhood, where more singles are prone to shop.

5. THE MALL. Okay, okay. This is usually more of a teen thing, but you can't deny the amount of traffic flow in and out. Try the food court. That's the place where people take a break and will be more open to conversation.

THE NEED FOR LOVE by Ruth D. Kerce

In the media, all of us have often heard the relationship experts and psychologists say, if you have a great need for love from another person(especially the opposite sex), then something must be lacking in yourself. According to many of them, if you're happy with who you are, then you won't always be seeking love from an outside source.

Truth or a misconception? Well ... read on, and then you decide.

It is a basic human desire to seek out love. If it weren't, most of us would live as hermits. Humans are social creatures. When we're younger, we yearn for friends and acceptance. As we grow older, we yearn to find that special someone to share our lives with, for companionship, emotional support (not as a crutch), maybe even to start our own families.

When is this desire wrong, and when is it right?

Certainly if we are searching for love in order to solve all of our emotional problems, we will be disappointed in the results -- much as when people think losing weight or coming into a lot of money will solve all of their other problems for them. No outside person can fix what's wrong within our own souls.

However, a person who is already secure in their life -- has friends, a job they enjoy (or relatively enjoy), enough money to survive comfortably, good relations with their relatives, etc. -- shouldn't be condemned to believe how something "must" be wrong deep inside them, if they're looking for a soul mate.

So, what do you do when you're confronted with such criticism?

Don't listen! You can be secure in knowing that there is nothing wrong with you. Don't argue about it with anyone. That's pointless. Don't let it plunge you into a deep depression either, and start you on a search for some elusive something that's not really missing from your life.

Hold this thought close to your heart: "The search for a soul mate is not to complete my life, but to enhance it -- the desire to share love is a natural and normal function of human nature."

If you're searching for love, continue with your journey. There is someone out there for you. And no matter how corny it might sound, you "can" create your own story book ending and live ... happily ever after.

THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ROMANCE by Ruth D. Kerce

Much debate has gone on and continues today about what is romantic? We can't seem to agree, because everyone views romance differently. The differences not only exist between men and women, but each woman and each man also has their own idea about what is romantic.

For example: a woman receives one long-stemmed rose. Romantic? One woman will be thrilled, thinking it a wonderful and tender gesture. Another woman will think it's cheap, and she should have gotten a dozen of them if the man was really serious.

Another example: someone suggests to a man that he take his love out to a candlelight dinner at a fancy restaurant. Romantic? One man will think so--candles, nice clothes, good food, cozy atmosphere. Another man will view it as a stuffy evening--having to endure wearing an uncomfortable suit and tie, searching for a parking place (or hoping the valet doesn't wreak the car), and praying that his credit card goes through when the bill arrives.

How then can we plan romance when there are such differences?

You have to understand the psychology of your mate and how he/she thinks. The only way to properly do that is through communication. Don't worry about taking the surprise or spontaneity out of things. It's better to know what the other person will enjoy, than planning an evening that bombs.

If you do want to surprise your partner, you can talk about what's romantic several weeks before you plan anything or even make it a regular conversation. Then when they least expect it, choose something they've told you they find romantic and spring it on them.

And when you're discussing romance, don't be too surprised at what others find romantic.

One man may prefer to barbecue hamburgers and watch the sun set; another to eat a gourmet meal and watch a foreign film. One woman may prefer to stay at home and listen to romantic music on the stereo; another to go to the symphony.

Everyone thinks differently. If you remember that and put in a little effort, then planning a romantic evening becomes easy.

TIPS FOR LOVE LETTERS by Ruth D. Kerce

Love letters are a wonderful way to express your feelings to someone. They are not hard to create, if you give it some thought. Be sincere, a little unique, and you'll certainly bring a smile to your love's face and a joyous flutter to the heart.

1. NO CANNED POETRY. "What does that mean?" Everyone copies some romantic verse from a famous author to put in their love letters. Be different and original. Write a poem yourself. Or if you're not talented at that sort of thing, simply put down a few lines from the heart about how you feel.

2. USE A BLANK CARD. Instead of adding your verse to a card that already has a saying in it, or putting it on a blank piece of paper, try using a blank card. You can get something with a romantic picture on the front, then include your personally written verse on the inside (written in your own hand; don't type it). If you're afraid of messing up, write it on a piece of paper first, then cut the paper to size, and tape or glue it in the card. That way if you make a mistake, you can try again on another piece of paper, without ruining the card.

3. LEAVE A NOTE IN A SECRET PLACE. Leave a love note somewhere your partner will find it when you're not around. Let your love enjoy it in private. It will be a wonderful surprise. And you'll most likely get a wonderful surprise in return.

4. DON'T SEND AN ANONYMOUS LETTER. Although it may seem romantic, with the world as it is today, an anonymous letter may cause the uncomfortable feeling of being stalked. Your love might begin to wonder if it's from someone who's affection and attention is not desired.

5. INCLUDE A SMALL PRESENT. Include something that can be put inside the card or letter. A pressed flower. A small, flat pendant - like a gold heart. A memento from someplace special you two went on a date, perhaps with the word "remember" printed on it.

Good luck with your love letters. I'm sure there are lots of other ideas you can come up with on your own. Create lots of romance and have fun!



THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN ROMANCE by Ruth D. Kerce

No good men. No good women. That's the chant of those still
looking for love. But perhaps the problem lies more in one's
expectations. Perfection is hard to live up to. "But I'm not
looking for perfection," you say. Maybe you are and don't
realize it. Not perfection in all things, but perfection in the
most important qualification you look for in a mate.

Some pitfalls women get into can come from searching for a
particular type of man, such as one who:

1. HAS POTENTIAL. Then the woman tried to mold him into something
that he's not. He may comply for a while, but eventually he'll
revert to his true personality and behavior pattern. The woman
then becomes disillusioned and leaves because he doesn't have the
"potential" she thought.

2. HAS LOTS OF COMPASSION. Then when the man gets angry or
frustrated (perfectly normal emotions), the woman wonders what
happened to her loving man and decides he must not be "the one,"
after all.

3. HAS A TAKE-CHARGE PERSONALITY. Then when he shows emotions,
the woman doesn't know how to deal with his softer side, and
thinks he's not as strong a man as she first thought.

Some pitfalls men get into can come from searching for a
particular type of woman, such as one who:

1. DOES NO WRONG. She's the perfect hostess, the perfect mother,
the perfect lover. He puts her on a pedestal. But a pedestal is a
shaky thing. It's doomed to tumble. Then the man looks at the
woman in dismay and wonders what happened.

2. IS GORGEOUS AND HOT. A woman can't be these things at all
times. She's going to have a bad hair day. It's an impossible
image to live up to. And it's also a very shaky reason to begin
a relationship. Outer beauty fades too quickly.

3. TAKES CARE OF HIM LIKE HIS MOTHER. Often in new relationships
a woman will do too much. The man gets used to this. Likes it
(why wouldn't he?). Then expects it to last forever. When it
doesn't, he gets discouraged and starts to sulk.

Instead of limiting yourself to a certain type of partner, try
searching for someone who's multi-dimensional. Or better yet,
don't search for a certain type at all. Realize that each
person has a variety of emotions. No one is perfect (most people
are far from it). Know that there will be a lot of bad times in
a relationship. Beyond love and attraction, there has to be
respect and real friendship for the partnership to last. Try
finding that "friend" of the opposite sex first. Then if it turns
to love, you will have the strongest bond that there is.



5 STAGES OF LOVE by Ruth D. Kerce

What are the stages of love? Love develops between two partners
in several different levels.

For love to endure, each level is important.

Let's break it down into five stages: (1) attraction,
(2) romance, (3) passion, (4) intimacy, & (5) commitment.

Stage 1. ATTRACTION - a positive response to a person beyond
friendship. This can further be broken down into two areas:
(a) physical attraction & (b) emotional attraction.

a. Physical Attraction - happens when your body reacts to another
person. Heart rate increases; temperature rises, palms get
sweaty; stomach flutters; throat tightens; etc. This is the most
superficial of "loves" on one level, but one of the most powerful
on another. It represents the first contact.

b. Emotional Attraction - develops next if the circumstances are
right. After being drawn to a person physically, you then begin
to converse. If you find you have things in common -- hobbies,
ideologies, career, education, or some other common ground --
then an emotional attraction starts to form.

An emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical
attraction does not. And in this case, the bond may even be
stronger between the two who connect, since no preconceived
notions based on physical appearance has occurred.

Stage 2. ROMANCE - essentially an act of trying to influence or
gain favor of another by lavishing attention or gifts upon them.
There are two type of romance: (a) selfish romance & (b) selfless
romance.

(a) Selfish Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts solely for
the purpose of gaining something for yourself -- like to get
gifts, to impress someone else, or even simply for sexual favors
whether your partner is interested or not.

(b) Selfless Romance - occurs when you do romantic acts for the
enjoyment and pleasure of your partner. You receive your
enjoyment and pleasure through their happiness.

Selfish romance (& love) will quickly die out. Selfless romance
(& love) will endure. Because romance is an "act," many couples
who have been together a long time take it for granted. With a
conscious effort, it can be rekindled.

Stage 3. PASSION - a desire for another person, which has grown
to an intensity that can't be ignored. This is often where an
emotional relationship turns into a physical relationship. The
passion stage is very important. It's a plateau.

From here, the relationship will fork into two roads, and the
couple must decide which path to take. The relationship will
either burn itself out or will move onto the next stage.

Stage 4. INTIMACY - a close association with another person of
the deepest nature. You share you thoughts, your feelings, your
dreams. In true intimacy, there is nothing that you cannot tell
this person (though we often hesitate because of our own
unfounded fears).

Intimacy is not total in one swoop. It is a developing process,
which never ends. If you can't establish intimacy with your
partner, your relationship may work for a while, but is unlikely
to endure throughout the years.

Stage 5. COMMITMENT - a pledge to remain true to your mate
throughout good and bad times. Commitment is easy when times are
good. Commitment can be extremely difficult when times are bad.
Learn to ride out the bad times.

If you've made it this far, why give up? Listen to each other, be
willing to compromise, and remember why you got together in the
first place.

Love is worth the effort ...

~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 2000, Ruth D. Kerce
Writer of historical and contemporary romances,
and webmaster of Addicted-to-Romance.com
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